It's been aproximately 72 hours. And still it feels like it hasn't happened yet. Like I'm still waiting, still that 3-year old girl who's first memory of her uncle is him screaming in happiness for his newfound freedom, amongst thirty other white-hatted youths. In my mind that is what I'm waiting for to happen. And I know it will never happen like that for me, believe me I've tried to reason with myself, to get it into my head that IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. IT'S OVER. But every time it's like a slam into a door closing in on itself refusing to open. And I move on, trying not to think about it. Because if I for one minute close my eyes and instead of trying to reason with myself, let myself actually feel something, I'm overrun with emotions I can't handle. If I let the thought crossing my mind be "It's all over" I somehow lose my bearings and sense of reality. What are we now? What do we do? Who are we, when everything we've known gets stripped away from us in just a leap out of a set of blue doors. What are we, when we emerge from them, if not time lords, then what? Because despite everything I've ever thought I wanted, despite the sadness and hurt these twelve years of school have brought me, and the will to just be free, run away, turn my back on it all - society, education, pressure - I have managed to do the one thing I never believed I could. I've changed my mind. This isn't freedom. At least it's not the freedom I hoped for, the freedom I remembered my uncle practically exuding all those years ago, yelling at the world that he can do whatever he wants now, and that he is never going back. Or is it? Is this it? If it is, why do I feel like I have MORE to worry about now, than I ever did before? I think perhaps it's not missing the hours I spent breaking my back over assignments and tests, but more so the people that I won't be surrounded by everyday. The people I make time to see and talk with outside school but also, and perhaps most importantly, the people I don't see and talk to except in school. What about them? They're like a fairy tale without a happy ending, the start of something good without the end of it.
Maybe it's different for me. Or maybe it's just life. Either way, free or not, I have graduated from school forever. And whether it's because I'm happy or sad, when I think of that leap I did now 73 hours ago, I feel like crying. I think if we would have been Time Lords it would have been easier.